MEMORANDUM
TO: Bob Dylan
FROM: Clive Davis
RE: Your Career/"Relevance"
Bob, per our last discussion about your desire to become "really relevant" again -- I think we can help. As you know, J Records has a line on some of the youngest, hippest talent out there, and I think a liberal sprinkling throughout your next record might help. Specifically, I recommend:
1. Getting Dr. Dre to handle production duties. I really think his chart-proven approach to beatz will help open the public's ears to what you have to say.
2. Try something new in terms of your "look." For one thing, ditch the pencil-thin mustache and the western suits! The kids just aren't buying that shit anymore -- instead, I want you to agree not to appear on your own album cover and to face away from the audience in a live setting. I think I can also hook you up with Paula Abdul to choreograph a troupe of dancers, so we can take the focus off of you and your ‘singing.’
3. These days, relevance happens as a result of novel in-studio partnerships -- you know, like Santana and what's-his-name a few years back. Talk about relevance -- that number was in every fucking elevator in Manhattan for MONTHS. Here are two partners I'm suggesting for you on this new LP, and the reason why I think they'd really kill for you, sales-wise:
a.) Alicia Keyes (she already wants to know why you mentioned her in the lyrics of your last album)
b.) Sheryl Crow (she’ll do pretty much anything anyone asks her to do)
4. One last thing: you need to face facts -- your "message" is falling on deaf ears out there. What today's record buyers want is melisma -- and lots of it. So our first order of business will be to consult Christina Aguilera’s voice teacher -- no ifs, ands or buts.
I think that covers it -- we can talk pre- and post-launch PR later. (Heads-up, though: I got two words for you, and one of them is "Idol.") Let me know your thoughts, and... go open a new bank account to put all that glorious new money in!
Love ya,
CJD

You know, I heard "Modern Times" for the first time last night, and thought it was pretty good. Nothing earth-shattering, but not a waste of time.

BigSteve said:

4. One last thing: you need to face facts -- your "message" is falling on deaf ears out there. What today's record buyers want is melisma -- and lots of it. So our first order of business will be to consult Christina Aguilera's voice teacher -- no ifs, ands or buts.

I say:

Now THAT's funny!

By the way, in Fredric Dannen's Hit Men, which to differ with Paul Simon is "the best book I've read about the music business, Davis comes across as a real sleazebag.

Even with the moral bar set low, Davis's offenses are more egregious than most.

I think the reason there hasn't been a lot of action on this thread is that no one can improve on BigSteve's contribution. The only chink I can find, and it's a relative one, is:

2. Try something new in terms of your "look." For one thing, ditch the hair! The kids just aren't buying that shit anymore -- instead, I want you to shave your head like that Daughtry guy I saw on the TV - let 'em know you're serious!

1. Getting Marc Anthony to handle production duties. I really think his chart-proven approach to the huge, rapidly emerging Latino market -- not to mention his front-page association with J-Lo -- will help open the public's ears to what you have to say.

2. Try something new in terms of your "look." For one thing, ditch the guitar, once and for all! The kids just aren't buying that shit anymore -- instead, I want you to focus on your footwork; I've got a line in to Shakira, and I'd like you to consider some time on "So You Think You Can Dance" with her. You've gone electric, you've gone born-again, you've gone Jewish mystic, you've gone cowboy... you need to blow the world's mind again with some revolutionary ass-shaking!

3. These days, relevance happens as a result of novel in-studio partnerships -- you know, like Santana and what's-his-name a few years back. Talk about relevance -- that number was in every fucking elevator in Manhattan for MONTHS. Here are two partners I'm suggesting for you on this new LP, and the reason why I think they'd really kill for you, sales-wise:

a.) Taylor Hicks -- this guy is a middle-American hit machine just waiting to happen. You guys need each other!
b.) Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston -- I need you to work with J Records' songwriting team on an update to Whitney's last great smash here; I'm thinking something called "I Will STILL Always Love You." I hear you and Bobby singing it to Whitney:

Bobby: And I-ee-I, will...
Dylan: STILL!
Bobby: ... always love you-ooooo-oh...

... and so forth. Throw in some of that ballroom choreography I was talking about earlier, and you could have something huge on your hands.

4. One last thing: you need to face facts -- your "message" is falling on deaf ears out there. What today's record buyers want is some real "America First" kind of material -- you know, songs about shoving your size 9 cowboy boot up Saddam's ass and such -- and lots of it. So our first order of business will be to hook you up with Toby Keith -- no ifs, ands or buts. I love you, Bob, but come on -- America needs *leadership*, and Toby's just the kind of guy to teach you how to earn it in the 21st century.

Not bad, Hrrundi. I can't help but let you know, however, that 1) Dylan hasn't played guitar on stage during either of the last two times I've seen him (no ass-shaking, though; keyboards only). And 2) while Toby Keith runs still does the boot-up-your-ass song, he runs as fast as he can from any actual discussion of the war or American militarism. He is now just a humble 'Merkin, doing what he can for our poor troops (and actually, the guy does work his ass off in that regard, for which I do respect him).

Very funny, Hrrundi!