May 102013

At times of turmoil and change (or just a crappy work week), it can be good to know that there are some definitive answers to life’s musical questions. I would like to thank Roz Chast for proposing the first 3 in a recent New Yorker cartoon:

  1. Nan McGillicuddy let the dogs out.
  2. The flowers all went to Passaic.
  3. We can’t do it in the road because it just got paved.

I did some research and consultation, and was able to determine 3 additional Final Answers:

  1. No, I’ve never been mellow.
  2. Peace, love and understanding aren’t funny at all.
  3. The rain will stop by itself.

What other Final Answers do you have?


  97 Responses to “Final Answers”

  1. misterioso

    No, I do not know the way to San Jose.
    I will see you again next Tuesday.
    We can’t be friends because you’re a big jerk, that’s why.
    You cannot mend a broken heart except through costly surgery.

  2. hrrundivbakshi

    Ooh, good idea! How about:

    From DC, you would basically head West on I-70, then I-76, then I-80, and finally I-680. It’s about 2,847 miles from coast to coast, so you’ll want to give yourself a few days.

  3. hrrundivbakshi


    “Well, let’s see. earlier today, I washed my face with my paw. Then I chased dust bunnies for a while. I sat down in a sunbeam and purred — and around 4:00, I took a lovely nap. Most of the rest of the time was spent sleeping. Oh, and I took a crap. That’s pretty much what’s up.”

  4. hrrundivbakshi


    “Dude, you should totally go.”

  5. ladymisskirroyale

    These are very helpful.

    I just figured out another one:

    “Duh, I’m ladymisskirroyale.”

  6. “I think so but it was tough to tell because, you know, she was standing in the shadow and all. By the way, when you get a spare moment, I think I’ve soiled myself again…”

  7. hrrundivbakshi

    cdm, you’ve stumped me.

  8. You just can’t touch it. It will always remain out of reach. Don’t give up trying, though.

  9. misterioso

    “Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow?”

  10. What’s new pussycat?

  11. “I really don’t know, I really don’t know”

  12. Love me some Buzzcocks!

    How about: “The newscaster, when he has a heartwarming story of courage.”

  13. “Well, that’s kind of a metaphysical question, Mr.Morrisey”.

  14. Okay, thanks, this indecision’s bugging me.

  15. Curiosity hasn’t been able to confirm it definitively yet.

  16. ladymisskirroyale

    ! I’m leaving this one to another fellow Smiths appreciator, Big Steve.

  17. ladymisskirroyale

    Well, yes, actually I do know the way to San Jose since I drive there pretty often.

  18. ladymisskirroyale

    In the spirit of one of HVB’s earlier entries:

    “Yes, from I’ll be heading north up the I280 or the 101 tomorrow evening.”

  19. “Well, it’s the region lateral to the gluteal area. Sometimes called the ‘coxa'”.

  20. Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

  21. Don’t know much about geography, but from your clue I’ll venture: “Are You Going to San Francisco?”

  22. BigSteve

    How Soon Is Now?

  23. BigSteve

    Yes, ya do think that I am.

  24. “Yes, and she can do the twist, and the watusi when she’s not chasing mice”.

  25. cliff sovinsanity

    “No, it’s all just illusions, smoke and mirrors, or slight of hand.”

  26. cliff sovinsanity

    “Can Your Pussy Do The Dog?”

  27. “Do You Believe in Magic?”

    OK, My final answer: “Well, those that have had cardiac problems, eventually recover with exercise and a sensible diet.”

  28. Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? It hurt just typing that turd.

  29. How can you mend a broken heart?

  30. ladymisskirroyale

    “It’s located in my cranium.”

  31. That works, but not what I was thinking of.

  32. Where is My Mind?

  33. Why no-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oooot?


  34. Actually no I don’t. No one does because it’s impossible to decipher a goddamned word that comes out of your mouth, Mr. Gallagher.

    Or your brother’s for that matter.


  35. D’you Know What I Mean?

    How ’bout this: “I love my wife. Nice tie, though.”

  36. What Becomes of the Broken Hearted?

  37. Aren’t those the actual opening lyrics to “Discotheque”?


  38. Because there’s not enough liquor on the planet to make me deliriously horny enough to bone you


  39. nope. The answer quotes directly from the song too. Sonny, you more than most people (except possibly 2kman) should be able to get this.

  40. “Nope, This is actually my first time.”

  41. That one is Why Don’t we Get Drunk and Screw?

  42. ladymisskirroyale

    Still no idea – hint please?

  43. ladymisskirroyale


  44. ladymisskirroyale

    “According to the dictionary, it is ‘an intense feeling of deep affection.'”

  45. ladymisskirroyale

    D’You Know What I Mean?

  46. bostonhistorian

    I get nothing.

  47. ladymisskirroyale

    “What Do I Get?”

  48. “I thought I heard something at both my window and my door.”

  49. cliff sovinsanity

    What Is Love?….baby don’t hurt me….don’t hurt me, no more.

  50. Well, I’m most comfortable on my side with a pillow between my knees. As summer approaches I like the ceiling fan on low and a light blanket. A couple Alleve and the George Harrison/Brian Wilson shuffle on Pandora and I drift right off


  51. “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking?”


  52. cliff sovinsanity

    Not sure, but I’ll guess…
    “Have You Ever Been Mellow?”

  53. cliff sovinsanity

    “It’s very profound, Barry”

  54. ladymisskirroyale

    Actually, I was thinking of the Deelite version, but that will work.

  55. How Deep Is Your Love?

  56. This one involves a good knowledge of The Jam’s catalogue.

  57. “Right after work, driving a ’63 Ford.”

  58. Oooh, yes I would! Here, let me move so you can whisper in my ear!


  59. Do You Want To Know A Secret?

  60. bostonhistorian

    The guy next door was making love to my old lady.

  61. Hard to believe that Mr Hendrix…

  62. It’s the two guys in the patrol car with badges protecting my cerebellum…

  63. “Wouldn’t It Be Nice”?


  64. Oh? and what were you doing while all that was going on Mr. Taylor?

  65. H. Munster

    “Where is My Mind?”

  66. H. Munster

    I keep getting that instant hi five

  67. H. Munster

    I don’t care if you’re Fred Astaire. I still don’t.

  68. mockcarr

    Just Who Is The 5 O’Clock Hero?

  69. mockcarr

    Is There Life On Mars? by Bowie

  70. mockcarr

    “Do You Love Me?” What about his sister Adele?

  71. mockcarr

    Sure I do Ray, but he’s not the guy you’re thinking of, for a start where we smoked cigarettes was nowhere near a garden gate when we were in sixth grade.

  72. Correctamundo.

  73. Immediatamente! Immediatamente! Immediatamente!


  74. ladymisskirroyale

    Yes, I believe so, as they are going to the prom together. Your eyes don’t deceive you.

  75. Is She Really Going Out With Him?


  76. H. Munster

    It’s not them I wonder about. It’s the smart people.

  77. trigmogigmo

    “Its popularity diminished as the video game industry quickly advanced and exploded with much more sophisticated games.”

  78. trigmogigmo

    “Because you are you, not me.”

  79. Why Can’t I Be You?

  80. Cuando?Cuando?Cuando?


  81. Who’s Making Love?

  82. trigmogigmo

    roger that!

  83. trigmogigmo


  84. bostonhistorian

    Do You Remember Walter?

  85. OutSTANding get!


  86. “I’ll say I am, just look at this resume!”

  87. H. Munster

    Are You Experienced?

  88. H. Munster

    The kind that spends all his money on me while I run around with other guys.

  89. H. Munster


  90. BigSteve

    Who Are The Brain Police?

  91. Deeper than a wishing well ….

  92. How Deep Is Your Love?

    Welcome aboard, chassa!

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