Nov 202008
You’ve been granted the ability to deliver three wishes for the benefit of the music world, one in each of the following categories:
- A song you’d like a favorite artist to cover
- An upgraded Look for a treasured musician (please detail upgraded Look)
- A graceful exit strategy for The Rolling Stones
Rock Town Hall Genies, commence granting!
1. I would like to have Jonathan Richman cover “A Little Bit of Sunlight”, a Ray Davies song from 1965 that never made it out of the demo stage.
2. Speaking of Ray Davies, I would change his current Look to reflect a better taste in headgear. The past few years, he’s been wearing these various hats that are so ugly that I’m reminded of P.J. O’Rourke’s essay entitled “Horrible Protestant Hats.”
3. As for a graceful exit strategy for the Stones, all I can say is to cheerfully ignore them.
1. I’d like to hear Tom Waits do when you Wish Upon a Star
2. Mike Campbell has got to get rid of those dreads! Normally that guy oozes class and good taste. I think those dreads are his little red sports car.
3. One final greatest hits/farewell tour in small-midsized theaters with all tickets priced at $50. A nice thank you to the fans for 40-plus years in the biz.
1. Beatles cover “Wonderwall”
2. Phil Spector switching to a turban
3. An apology to all their ex-wives and their Christian fans and a class action settlement for everyone who purchased a record past TATTOO YOU.
1. Oh, I dunno. For some reason, I’m thinking it might be fun to hear the Stones cover AC/DC’s “TNT.”
2. Paul McCartney — in addition to seeking out some serious psychiatric treatment — needs to ditch the Grecian Formula and the hipster threads. Take a tip from Nick Lowe, Paulie — go gray and switch to impeccably tailored suits, or the gentleman farmer look, if you must go casual.
3. They need to play on until the day they die. Seriously. In 10 years, you all will be shouting from the mountaintop about how great they are, as rockin’ 75 year-olds.
1. I’ve longed for Richard Thompson to cover “Harry Rag.”
2. Iggy needs to put a shirt on. It’s time.
3. Mick finally can stand it no longer; he goes over everyone else’s heads and fires Woody. In the midst of the resulting recriminations, all four Stones wind up forming splinter groups, all named The Rolling Stones. Woody assembles a few old New Barbarians; Keith taps X-Pensive Winos Steve Jordan and Waddy Wachtel; Mick surrounds himself with Christina Aguilera and Katy Perry; Charlie joins Elvis Costello and The Mingus Orchestra. Finally, Allen Klein sends cease-and-desist orders to all four groups, and forms his own group of Stones, consisting of… wait, what was the question?
Stones Exit Strategy:
The Stones announce that they will promote their next album by hot air ballooning around the world. The begin in China, unveiling a huge hot air baloon shaped like the lips logo. Mick is wearing a pilot’s outfit, Ron is talked into wearing an old-timey leather aviator’s cap and goggles with a scarf. Keith refuses to wear a goofy outfit, but Mick makes a public show of having Keith hand over any knives in his pockets or hanging from his hair so he doesn’t pop the balloon.
The Stones pile in and take-off, with the plan being to circumnavigate the globe in their balloon and, upon completion, play a massive concert atop the Great Wall of China.
But tragedy strikes. Somewhere over, let’s say Nepal, the Stones’ balloon vanishes. A huge search is undertaken, but only the badly-damaged balloon is found and the Stones are missing for months. People are devastated by this news, and many classic rock stations switch to an all-Stones format for weeks until finally, Charlie Watts emerges from the wilderness as the only one to survive the tragic crash of the hot air balloon.
Reporters ask Charlie what happened, but he just shrugs. Huge statues are erected in honor of Mick and Keith, with a smaller statue also put up in honor of Ron. The bass player doesn’t get one, which people quietly think is a little racist, but nobody wants to say anything, and besides, these statues are really expensive.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Stones have actually faked their own deaths. Keith buys a bar in Tibet and lives out the rest of his life outdrinking sherpas like Marian in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Ron dyes his hair blonde and lives in a secret room in Rod Stewart’s house occassionally going out in public in disguise as Rod. Mick becomes a silent partner in the World’s Largest Casino in Macau and regularly performs there, but China’s strict control over all news makes sure that knowledge of his survival never becomes public knowledge in the West. Darryl Jones returns to America and actually tours with Eric Clapton a few times, and a handful of people say “Hey, isn’t that the bass player from the Stones? I thought he died in that hot air balloon crash?” but nobody is 100% sure and everyone is afraid to ask.
You genies are kicking major ass! Rock ‘n roll will surely thank you for the wishes you’ve granted.
For question #1, I want to reunite Graham Parker and the Rumour to cover Maxine Nightengale’s “Right Back Where We Started From.”
As for a makeover, Brian Johnston, the singer for AC/DC. First of all, it’s time he moves up to a larger size pair of jeans. Then, I’m stepping all over his new white sneaks. Finally, the tank top’s gotta go. He should be wearing a dirty Mac, like Columbo. The hat can stay. That’s the only part worth keeping of a Look that God compromised long before he had a choice in the matter.
Oh, as for the graceful exit strategy for the Stones, I’m still pondering Alexmagic’s suggestion. I like it!
I feel as though I have step in here to defend Brian Johnson’s Look. But first let me say that I can’t stand the guy’s “singing” or his lyrics. I refuse to listen to non-Bon Scott ACDC.
That being said, I think his look fits him quite well. Sure he’s 61, but he strikes me as a genuine Bloke, and this is ACDC we’re talking about. I imagine his peers (guys who are just like him but for the fact that they didn’t get a chance to sing for ACDC), still dress the exact same way.
A little off-topic but when I saw them on Monday, I was struck by the fact that Malcolm now looks exactly like Iggy Pop. Don’t know how I never noticed that before.
I agree that alexmagic knocked it out of the park with the Stone exit strategy. And Graham Parker doing that Maxine Nightingale song is inspired.
cdm, as a genuine Bloke, I think my adjustments would make him more genuine. Have you seen how white his sneaks always are? What’s he do, travel the world with a dozen pairs of white sneaks, a dozen pairs of tight jeans, and a dozen black tank tops? He’s too clean for his own good.
I have always wanted The Stones to Cover “I Know I’m Losing You,” but I want Mick Taylor era doing it. I want it to come out the same day that Rod Stewart releases his version so that Mick Jagger can snuff him out like a cigarette butt with the heel of his very expensive fruity shoe. [Genie sidenote – I thought we Genies granted wishes for other people? If so, then my friend always wanted to hear the Stones do “Children of the Sun.”]
Robert Smith needs a new look BAD.
That Grandpa Goth thing isn’t cool, disturbing, weird or interesting. It’s just dumb. Get a washcloth, already.
The Stones should go out with a bang in my backyard. They should play whatever I request and as long as I keep requesting. They should pay my local cops to shut up and do their job somewhere else while I get to rock out. They should also have some kegs of Guinness flown directly from the factory to me for my special show. The people that come over will have to dance while The Stones play. I want The Dexateens to open up and play everything I want them to play, too. Keith Richards will say, “Damn! Those guys are good!”
Ya know, The Stones did have a blimp. It was really cool.
http://www.rockontour.net/blimp.jpg
1. Scott Walker “Sweets For My Sweet”
2. Not much for Look, but Keith Richards has got some South Park Busdriver cuckoo bird crap in his hair that should probably go.
3. My brother and I were just debating the other day whether they’d continue if something happened to Charlie, perish the thought. I think the safe money is probably on “Let’s not.”
1. I would like Mudcrutch to cover the entire Petty catalog.
2. Ann Wilson. Used to be if you didn’t say “both” when asked which Wilson sister you’d do, you were queer. Now its just common sense. What are those gyms for fat chicks? The ones with painted out windows? Curves?
3. Suicide right on stay-yage.
i would like Appetite-era GnR to cover Black Country Rock by Bowie.
tubgirl’s look is really a bit over the top. i think she could tone it down a bit, maybe clean it up.
if the stones could have stopped in 1982 they could have been graceful. if they would have quit after Bill Wyman left, they could have been graceful. there is no graceful option for the stones.
Neil Young covering Horse With No Name would be amusing.
Madonna needs a new, age-appropriate Look. Have a sandwich, Material Girl! I suggest a flowered moo-moo.
I’m afraid that the only graceful exit strategy for the Stones would the death of one of the principals. It would allow/require the dissolution of the band.
The Hives could do a killer version of the Easybeats’ I’ll Make You Happy
Micheal Stipe needs some hair, or at least get some tattoos on his head. Maybe a snake on his face!
Keith drinks the wrong type blood while making a cameo in the sequel to Twilight and dies, Charlie then sympathetically dies of boredom when he gets the news. Mick relinquishes all future Stones dough to create a worldwide fund whose object is to pay hush money to those who won’t stay out of the public eye long past anyone caring.
The Hives could do a killer version of the Easybeats’ I’ll Make You Happy…
Indeed!
Some thoughts on the previous answers for Wish #2…
Iggy should drop by a dollar store and pick up one of those t-shirts with the picture of a naked torso on them. That way, he could put on a shirt, but still present the image of being shirtless. Best of both worlds! I think the people in the kitchen at the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame, as well as the health inspectors and OSHA, would have appreciated that when Iggy came rolling through the kitchen at the last inductions.
The perfect solution for Brian Johnston’s Look issue that keeps his basic look but embraces his age without losing the hellraiser vibe AC/DC needs is for him to start dressing like Andy Capp.
I like the idea of Stipe going for a Harry, The Guy With A Snake On His Face thing, but he might need to put on some weight for that. Really, if Stipe was a fat guy, wouldn’t he instantly be more likeable?
Stipe had some sort of weird face paint thing for concerts around the time of Around the Sun
http://tinyurl.com/4amrxq
Makes him look like a potential Batman villain, don’t you think?