Jan 142008

It’s tougher than it seems to make a common, bad song eternally annoying. Try it sometime. It only seems easy because Tom Cruise has managed this feat in countless Hollywood films.

In charging Tom Cruise with Rock Crimes for permanently defiling more downtrodden songs than any actor in history, we’re not passing judgment on his films, his beliefs, or his personal life. We won’t even poke fun at all the ditches in which his leading ladies have had to stand while sidling up to him.

There’s gonna be no dancing

Likewise, we’re not going to pass judgment on the songs themselves. At least one of these songs is actually of high caliber. Although Cruise typically preyed on weaker material, he was capable of bringing down classier numbers.

Here’s a song that sucks in what’s actually a good film. This song is so bad and emblematic of its time that it would be remembered as a stone-cold turd without Cruise’s involvement. However, his pool-cue moves denigrate this song beyond all hopes of simply being forgotten among a brothel full of Clapton’s ’80s skanks.


  15 Responses to “Tom Cruise’s Rock ‘n Roll Dance Scenes in Hollywood Films”

  1. You’ve presented pretty conclusive evidence Mr. Mod, I’m ready to vote guilty with a harsh penalty.


    Don’t you have to indict Clapton for that “performance”. Conspiracy or aiding and abetting or something? Hell, Cruise could offer that as Exhibit A in his defense because, in that video, Cruise’s crimes pale in comparison to Eric’s.

  2. Mr. Moderator

    Clapton’s numerous Rock Crimes-suspicious activities are under constant surveillence. We could haul him in now, but we suspect he’ll lead us to bigger fish. I’m currently reading his autobiography and taking notes. Anyone else presently engrossed in this volume?

  3. Hey, how does Cruise’s bit in the “Wise Up” segment of Magnolia fit into all this?

  4. Mr. Moderator

    I’ve yet to see Magnolia. Does he dance during that scene? I like the song itself. I hope he doesn’t ruin it.

    I sense I’m missing some other Cruise dance scenes, by the way. I was trying to remember if he danced in Born on the Fourth of July. I’ve never seen Top Gun, but I can imagine some smooth moves in that film. Does he dance with Nicole Kidman in the beginning of Eyes Wide Shut? My memory’s a little hazy regarding that bedroom pot-smoking scene.

  5. alexmagic

    He sings in Top Gun, but I don’t remember any significant dancing. There may have been an elaborate wheelchair dance number cut out of Born On The Fourth of July.

    It is possible that the Color of Money dance scene could be viewed favorably. Wearing that stupid shirt and doing pool cue fight dancing seems like a good metaphor for the kind of music Clapton had moved into, so we may actually owe Cruise for helping expose Clapton’s descent into the Rock Criminal Underworld.

    What’s with Clapton in the blue light in that video, anyway? Is he a hologram? Is he trapped in Tron?

    The biggest movie/music crime relating to Cruise is that he didn’t make the Phil Spector biopic he was looking to do back in the late 1990s. Can you imagine how that would have ended up looking in hindsight? One of the problems they ran into was that they couldn’t come up with an ending for it. They sure have one now, and I would absolutely pay to see Cruise in a 2007 Phil Spector wig.

  6. Mr. Moderator

    I forgot about the Spector biopic. Any other rock biopics that you can think of that have never gotten off the drawing board? I’m thinking of the TWO Janis Joplin biopics that were competing for “Notes” space in publications like Entertainment Weekly, which even did a feature on the two Joplin biopics that were supposedly in production. Renee Zellwegger was supposed to play Janis in the one her company was behind. Was Kelly Clarkson attached to the other one?

  7. Any other rock biopics that you can think of that have never gotten off the drawing board?

    In the ’90s, Cruise also optioned the film rights to a New Yorker article about The Shaggs. I think he was just going to produce that one.

    I believe Zooey Deschanel is playing Janis Joplin in an upcoming biopic.

  8. BigSteve

    In the Cocktail scene, I was wracking my brain trying to figure out who his body language reminded me of. David Bowie. I’m not saying, I’m just saying….

    Melissa Etheridge was supposed to play Janis in a movie at some point too.

  9. Screw Tom Cruise anyway.


  10. Melissa Etheridge was supposed to play Janis in a movie at some point too.

    Maybe they should just do an I’m Not There kind of film for Janis.

  11. Also, let me take this moment to gratuitously share my favorite bit of Tom Cruise-related humor.


  12. I’ve yet to see Magnolia. Does he dance during that scene? I like the song itself. I hope he doesn’t ruin it.

    I didn’t much like the movie itself and generally speaking, Tom Cruise gives me the douche chills, but I thought that was the best role of his career.

  13. The only things I ever liked about “It’s In The Way That You Use It” were Clapton’s prominent middle finger and the thought that instead of “Boy don’t you know” he was singing “Blow it out your nose.”

    Which isn’t much.

  14. Oh, by the way, regarding that Cocktail clip – has anyone who has watched the whole movie tell me whether there’s anyone in it who says anything along the lines of “Yeah, very impressive – can I have my fucking DRINK now?!?”

  15. BigSteve

    That Billy Thorpe video brings back a lot of memories, and not especially good ones. People actually used to listen to endless boogie rock with long lead-fingered solos like that. Classic boogie Looks all around too — biker ponytail + peasant shirt, mullet + tanktop, jesusbeards, etc. It’s kind of the opposite end of the spectrum from Sparks. Billy Thorpe = the anti-Sparks.

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