Jun 142012

Save your soul, this ain't rock 'n roll!


As excruciatingly bad as this upcoming movie Rock of Ages looks—and because of how bad it looks—I can’t wait to see Rock of Ages. First of all it’s a summer movie, not quite a blockbuster (but who knows), starring Tom Cruise. Cruise delivers almost every summer. He was born to act larger than life on a hot summer day when one just wants to duck into a dark, air-conditioned movie theater, eat popcorn, and laugh at the notion of Tom Cruise, American Superhero. Not a spring goes by that I don’t anticipate the summer blockbuster starring Tom Cruise or my other go-to guy for ridiculous acting in preposterous movies, Nicolas Cage! Oh god, if only Cage could appear in Rock of Ages as a dumped-upon, sensitive singer-songwriter like Bruce Hornsby. He’s got the hair.

I know nothing about this coming movie other than it stars Cruise as some kind of badass Bon Jovi character, looks like it was directed by that dickhead who turns “rockin'” Broadway musicals into “rockin'” Hollywood smashes (you know, the guy who made Chicago and the musical version Fellini’s ), enables Russell Brand to continue his worthless career, and features a soundtrack that may drive me to shoot holes in the screen as I sit in the theater and watch the movie.

That’s right, I’m pretty sure I need to see this piece of crap and reconnect with the crap music that was popular in my high school years and that drove me to do the Lord’s work I do today here in the Halls of Rock. I need to witness this movie, the way Jimmy Carter used to fly to corrupt South American countries to “witness” their first, somewhat free elections. I may have to bring leaflets to hand out before and after the movie, like some rock ‘n roll Jehovah’s Witness. Save your soul, they might read, this ain’t rock ‘n roll!

Who’s up for joining me to witness this movie when it comes out? If you can’t join me in the Philadelphia or South Jersey area, we can all choose a day to attend and report back, maybe even posting live from our smartphones, like the kidz are purported to do during movies as they text and Tweet to their heart’s delight. I know they give warnings before movies about refraining from such activities, but since this is going to be such a rockin’ movie, do you think anyone will care?

Let me know what you think and we’ll get this bad boy on the RTH Calendar. Thank you.


  30 Responses to “COMING JUNE 15th: Rock of Ages, a Celebration of All That’s Been Wrong With Rock ‘n Roll Since My Teenage Years”

  1. hrrundivbakshi

    I’m happy to join you in the celebration, Mr. Moderator. My personal goal: to see if it can beat the unholy bad-goodness of Nic Cage’s singular summer movie masterpiece, “Ghost Rider”!

  2. Let me know what day you’re going and I’ll see if I can talk myself into it. I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to do this thing sober.

  3. Holy crap, I just read up about it and it looks excruciating.

  4. Sobriety is not a requirement.

  5. My first reaction to see this trailer on TV: Methinks Alec Baldwin’s post-30 Rock career is not going to overdo it in the dignity department any time soon.

  6. Thank you for providing the loop of images that will likely run through my head while I’m on my deathbed.

  7. alexmagic

    I share your conflicted feelings, Mod, and I know that I *will* see this thing at some point for it’s ultimate trainwreck potential, but I don’t know that I can pay to see it. There’s also the fact that (as you know), I’m regarded as very cool and have a ton of indie cred, so I’m not sure it would be good for the masses if they saw me going into the theater, and I gotta look out for the people.

  8. Consider the possible “agent-of-change-from-within” benefits of your appearance with our commission. Plus, we could wear fur coats and leather cowboy hats so no one will know it’s us.

  9. tonyola

    This doesn’t look promising. A love story between a waitress and busboy. Here’s the soundtrack list – this could be the lost K-Tel’s Cheese-Rock of the ’80s collection. Three Foreigner songs are too many. One Whitesnake song is too many. Oh, and it’s got “We Built This City”. Quarterflash, too.

    Paradise City
    Sister Christian/Just Like Paradise/Nothin’ but a Good Time
    Juke Box Hero/I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll
    Hit Me with Your Best Shot
    Waiting for a Girl Like You
    More Than Words/Heaven
    Wanted Dead or Alive
    I Want to Know What Love Is
    I Wanna Rock
    Pour Some Sugar on Me
    Harden My Heart
    Shadows of the Night/Harden My Heart
    Here I Go Again
    Can’t Fight This Feeling
    Any Way You Want It
    Undercover Love
    Every Rose Has Its Thorn
    Rock You Like a Hurricane
    We Built This City/We’re Not Gonna Take It
    Don’t Stop Believin’

    I saw Rock Star in the theater. Awful. As Pete once said, won’t get fooled again.

  10. As much as we here in the Hall may wretch, I predict this soundtrack will be the biggest selling album of the year.

  11. I’ve seen the ads, thank you for looking up the soundtrack – I meant to look at that. Dear God that looks awful. What’s “Undercover Love”, an original (hard to fathom as that may be)?

  12. tonyola

    “Undercover Love” looks like something made for the movie. I must emphasize that the songs on the soundtrack are not the original versions, or so it seems.


  13. In that case, I take back my prediction.

  14. mockcarr

    It’s amazing that they didn’t accidentally put a good song on there.

  15. mockcarr

    By the way, Mod, thank you for putting a decent wise ass answer in the poll. I miss not being able to write in something inappropriate.

  16. I know, we all miss that. We couldn’t find a way to block spammers in those open-ended answer boxes.

  17. Did you see “Drive Angry”? That Nic, he must have gotten himself in some dire financial straights to be churning out the schlock at such an alarming rate.

  18. 2000 Man

    I went to see Snow White yesterday (on account of I think Charlize Theron is quite possibly the only person of this era that actually looks like a real, bonafide movie star) and they showed the extended movie trailer for Rock of Ages.

    I wanted to drown myself in my medium drink, which looked big enough to do it in. The music is worse than K- Tel. It sounded like The Sound Effects got back together to me. This thing is going to make Airheads look like Citizen Kane.

  19. In catching up on some back episodes of The Best Show on WFMU I got a great laugh out of host Tom Scharpling’s thoughts on Tom Cruise’s record collection and preparation for this movie. Plenty of good chatter leading up to that point, but you can skip to the 1:43 (that’s in hours, not minutes) mark to hear this point. Then he talks about Donald Trump’s taste in music. I was reminded of our old thread on Jerry Seinfeld’s record collection.


  20. diskojoe

    There’s no way in hell that I’m going to spend my last night being a fortysomething watching this movie (The Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band of the 21st Century?). However, I did see a picture of a scene that takes place in a Tower Records & was amazed that they were able to recreate it.

  21. Mercifully, I’ll be in DC for a wedding this weekend and therefore unable to attend.

    Happy birthday diskojoe.

  22. diskojoe

    Thanks & have a groovy time @ the wedding yourself.

  23. diskojoe, I didn’t realize your birthday reference. Happy birthday! I’m a few days away from entering the last year of my 40s. I’m more thankful than ever that the Orioles signed Jaimie Moyer to a AAA contract. The day there’s no longer a professional baseball player older than me will be a sad day. Have a great birthday celebration!

  24. diskojoe

    Thanks Mr. Mod. I’m rooting for Jamie Moyer also.

    Both Wally Joyner & Calvin Schiradi (of ’86 WS Game 6 infamy) were also born on 6/16/1962

  25. hrrundivbakshi

    Hate to break it to you, but if you’re about to turn 49, you’ve already spent the last year of your 40s. As soon as you turn 49, you’ll be in your 50th glorious year of life!

  26. Listen, Math Geek: My reference to “my 40s” refers to the years in which my age includes a number in the 40s. The age 49 is still part of my 40s. That gives me a full year to dread turning 50. Don’t take that away from me!

  27. I love you, Dude, but no way am I going to see the movie with you.

    My theory – The beginning of this fondness for the REOStyxJourneyJoviSpeedwagon was when The Soprano’s ended with “Don’t Stop Believing” in June 2007. The NYSE was at 13,700

    Pretty much after that, Journey got a huge bounce and the whole economy crashed. Five years later we are just getting the market back to where it was. Maybe the awfulness of this movie will put an end to this madness and the economy can grow again.

    Just sayin….

  28. I can’t fathom paying for this one in a theater full of people who might actually be, God forbid, enjoying it. When it comes out on DVD, it might be a hoot to rank on it MST3K style. However, I enjoyed this reviewer’s point of view http://www.salon.com/2012/06/13/rock_of_ages_the_joys_of_total_fakeness/singleton/

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