ARE YOU IN? I’M STILL THINKING ABOUT SEEING THIS TURD, EITHER FRIDAY OR SATURDAY NIGHT.
As excruciatingly bad as this upcoming movie Rock of Ages looks—and because of how bad it looks—I can’t wait to see Rock of Ages. First of all it’s a summer movie, not quite a blockbuster (but who knows), starring Tom Cruise. Cruise delivers almost every summer. He was born to act larger than life on a hot summer day when one just wants to duck into a dark, air-conditioned movie theater, eat popcorn, and laugh at the notion of Tom Cruise, American Superhero. Not a spring goes by that I don’t anticipate the summer blockbuster starring Tom Cruise or my other go-to guy for ridiculous acting in preposterous movies, Nicolas Cage! Oh god, if only Cage could appear in Rock of Ages as a dumped-upon, sensitive singer-songwriter like Bruce Hornsby. He’s got the hair.
I know nothing about this coming movie other than it stars Cruise as some kind of badass Bon Jovi character, looks like it was directed by that dickhead who turns “rockin'” Broadway musicals into “rockin'” Hollywood smashes (you know, the guy who made Chicago and the musical version Fellini’s 8½), enables Russell Brand to continue his worthless career, and features a soundtrack that may drive me to shoot holes in the screen as I sit in the theater and watch the movie.
That’s right, I’m pretty sure I need to see this piece of crap and reconnect with the crap music that was popular in my high school years and that drove me to do the Lord’s work I do today here in the Halls of Rock. I need to witness this movie, the way Jimmy Carter used to fly to corrupt South American countries to “witness” their first, somewhat free elections. I may have to bring leaflets to hand out before and after the movie, like some rock ‘n roll Jehovah’s Witness. Save your soul, they might read, this ain’t rock ‘n roll!
Who’s up for joining me to witness this movie when it comes out? If you can’t join me in the Philadelphia or South Jersey area, we can all choose a day to attend and report back, maybe even posting live from our smartphones, like the kidz are purported to do during movies as they text and Tweet to their heart’s delight. I know they give warnings before movies about refraining from such activities, but since this is going to be such a rockin’ movie, do you think anyone will care?
Let me know what you think and we’ll get this bad boy on the RTH Calendar. Thank you.