Mr. Moderator

Mr. Moderator

When not blogging Mr. Moderator enjoys baseball, cooking, and falconry.

Sting, Stewart, and Adams Arraigned on Rock Crimes

 Posted by
Feb 202007
 

Monday, February 19, rock musicians Sting, Rod Stewart, and Bryan Adams were arraigned on several counts of Rock Crimes for their participation in the 1993 collaboration on a song and video for the soundtrack of The Three Muskateers. Sting and Stewart turned themselves into authorities on their own recognizance. Adams was arrested while causing a disturbance at an in-store appearance by alt-country rocker Ryan Adams.

Although formal charges have not yet been released, it has been reported that they include faux introductions and loitering on a video set; unexplained wardrobe changes; abuse of knowing glances, backslaps, and high-note lean-backs; impersonating an art-school girl in a skirt and leggings (Sting); impersonating a musician pretending to play an interesting bass part (Sting); and inappropriate contact with a lesser celebrity.

A trial date will be announced later this week. The trial will be conducted live on Rock Town Hall. Attorneys for the artists issued no comment other than a reminder of the upcoming tour dates by the reunited Police.

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Workin’ and Practicin’: The Police Exercise Nostalgia

 Posted by
Feb 192007
 

A beat-up guitar that Mr. Summers is playing isn’t the one that toured the world with him in the early 1980s; it’s an exact replica made by Fender, copying every nick, chip and scrape as well as the pickups (made by Fender’s rival, Gibson) and custom electronics inside. It’s part of a limited edition of 250 that sold out at $15,000 each…

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VH1 Classics: Nonstop Rock Crimes and Other ’80s Atrocities

 Posted by
Feb 192007
 

We got a new cable service while I was out of town, and I just started checking it out. For the first time we have VH1 Classics. The first video I caught was Eurythmics’ “Missionary Man”. Thankfully, our brains are wired to block out many of the associated sensations that accompany traumatic moments, associated sensations would otherwise kill our ability to pick up the pieces and move forward. Thankfully, I’d forgotten everything about both this song and the video.

I’ve enjoyed a relatively healthy and productive life since forgetting about “Missionary Man”, a video that probably has been removed from YouTube for fear of Rock Crimes by association. This morning, though, thanks to VH1 Classics I’m reminded of Lennox’s Soul on Ice routine and a reverse sex appeal that could flip the polarity of human sexuality (the power of which, I should add, had been unmatched since the appearance of Gwen Stefani). I’m reminded of Dave Stewart, rock’s only musician to follow in Jeff Lynne’s fashion footsteps. Stewart would combine that bad Look with a goofy self-aware svengali schtick that wasn’t too far from Rick Nielson. Ugh. I’m reminded of the use of canned “colored girls,” among the most hideous practices of British musicians from the ’80s.

Don’t think I’m incapable of appreciating the evil genius of Eurythmics, much like I can appreciate the evil genius of Gwen Stefani and the rhetorical skills of Nazi Germany. I’m afraid that watching too much of VH1 Classics will be like watching a Leni Reifenstahl film festival.

I will close by saying that VH1 Classics, which is still on in the background, just ran back-to-back ads for a KISS Greatest Hits album and an upcoming feature on Bob Seger. We reap what we sow.

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On My Way Back Home

 Posted by
Feb 182007
 

So I’m about to hit the airport to catch a redeye flight from San Francisco (“Frisco”) back home to Philadelphia. After my program with work wrapped up, our boss hired a car to take us on a whirlwind tour of the area meant to fulfill various Frisco wishes and simply allow us all to kick back after a fun yet grueling weekend. I was the most veteran Frisco traveler of the bunch, but our driver – a native – took us to a number of places I’d never had the opportunity to see: he dropped us off at the Golden Gate Bridge and waited on the other side while we walked across it, we drove to Sausalito, Marin Headlands (where the Bay opens up to the Pacific Ocean), and other places. I even saw a few more spots in San Fran that I’d never seen before. Tons of fun with a great group of coworkers.

While standing on a rocky cliff overlooking the Pacific ocean, I had the following 2 thoughts, both of which I’ve had before while visiting the area:

  • It’s too bad I wasted my prime partying years in Philadelphia and Chicago. Nothing against either city, but Marin County is where I should have been doing all those things I used to do.
  • Had I grown up in the area, I would not have been nearly the tight-ass I am. In fact, I would have gotten into jahmmin’. I would have fully embraced my inner hippie. I think it’s the environment more than genetic predisposition that makes some of us jahm and others verge on airtight and/or pile-driving arrangements.

I’m curious to know whether there are jahm-averse Townspeople who grew up on the West Coast. I’m curious to know whether there are jahm-loving Townspeople who grew up surrounded by cement or prefab suburban communities. More to the point, have you ever found yourself in a new environment that allowed you to expand your comprehension of a form of music that was previously foreign to you?

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KISS Army Reunion: Band of Brothers

 Posted by
Feb 152007
 

I have personal reasons for organizing Rock Town Hall’s First Annual KISS Army Reunion. Some moderators may be hesitant to share, but that’s not my style. In sharing, however, it is likely that old wounds will be reopened. Whether scabbed or scarred over, these wounds have not healed. We’ve got to treat the infection, treat the cause of our collective cultural suffering, and then perhaps, we will restore the brotherhood in rock that was our generation’s birthright.

In 1978, KISS released the double-album greatest hits collection, Double Platinum. I was 15 years old, deep in the process of a rock ‘n roll reawakening that had been put on hold sometime around the age of 8, when I first became immersed in sports. My brother was 10, wrapping up his stint in Cub Scouts and finding his way in a family that had focused too much attention on Big Brother.

The Last Waltz and The Kids Are Alright were being shown at midnight screenings. I bought my first few punk albums. The Clash’s Rude Boy, Quadrophenia, and a host of other midnight movies were right around the corner! It was becoming clear that professional athletics was not a career option, so I bought a guitar and, with a friend, began formulating an attack on the status quo.

My brother wanted Double Platinum on cassette for Christmas, and to my dismay, his wish was granted. Continue reading »

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In Defense of KISS: 5 Reasons Why They Rule and Their Critics Eat Stool

 Posted by
Feb 152007
 

Rodney Anonymous checks in with the following defense of KISS.

5 Reasons Why They Rule and Their Critics Eat Stool

1) Gene Simmons has slept with over 5000 women (Terry Gross included). OK, before you launch into your “So what? [Insert name of under appreciated angst-ridden indeed artist here] made great records with intelligent lyrics and used augmented 9th chords” rant, just take a minute to remember why you picked up a guitar in the first place: Here kitty, kitty, kitty! Do you think Alex Chilton could’ve nailed Cher back when she was worth bragging about nailing? And I’m even gonna give Simmons bonus points for being a Jew!

2) Knights In Satan’s Service. Yeah, I know that KISS really wasn’t an acronym for that. But hey, AC/DC didn’t stand for “Antichrist/Devil Child” and REM wasn’t shorthand for “Rectally Engaged Mumblefest”. The point is that YOUR PARENTS (and nearly every Baptist youth pastor) believed that’s what KISS stood for. They went to bed each night with one eye open out of fear that some track on Love Gun would incite you to patricide. What did mommy and daddy think when you started listening to Belle and Sebastian? “Hmmm…how pleasant. I think we’ll do the den in beige.”

3) “She’s a dancer, a romancer. She’s a Capricorn and I’m a Cancer.” I am, without dispute, America’s greatest living lyricist, and not even I could’ve thought of a line that clever. By singling out a specific zodiac sign, KISS managed to convince approximately 1/12 of the world’s female population that they were singing to them. (See reason #1.)

4) KISS Meets the Phantom. Not only did KISS meet the Phantom, they kicked his ass and the asses of their evil robotic twins. This single act would remain an unparalleled moment in Rock ‘n’ Roll for almost 20 years, until the 1990 Lifetime Network premier of Jesus and Mary Chain Save Christmas.

5) The guys who worked at the gas station liked ‘em. Sure those guys might not have taken the same college prep courses you did, but they didn’t shell out $12.98 for a copy of Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music either.

Thank you. We will now consider this matter closed. Don’t make me kick your asses.

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