July 17 — London, England — Longtime Broadway musical composer Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber admitted today that he was the “mastermind” behind numerous faux-metal hits purportedly written by melody-speed metal band Dragonforce. In interviews conducted at Weber’s Chelsea residence, the composer of numerous hit musicals confessed: “Maybe it’s the brandy talking, or maybe I’m just missing Elton like crazy, but… for goodness sake — couldn’t the music-listening world spot a late-20th-century ‘Lion King’ melody when they hear one? I mean, seriously… just listen to that song ‘Through the Fire and the Flames.’ It’s like ‘Cats’ or something.”
Weber went on to point out that though he had hired “pretty boys” to play the astonishingly fast guitar solos that undergird the band’s repertoire, “I want the whole world to know, those two really can play that fast. I truly think today’s youth could learn a thing or two about discipline, determination, and — yes — athleticism from those two youngsters.”
Perhaps the evening’s most telling moment unfolded when a representative of online music blog Rock Town Hall asked Weber why he had bothered writing music for the speed-metal band. After spilling his brandy alexander, Weber confessed that he “relished a challenge,” and added that he wanted to “do his part to finally and fully break down the conceptual walls between what is considered musical theatre and what is considered ‘heavy metal,'” adding, “I mean, really: that fine line between Judas Priest and ‘Les Miserables’ was just begging to be smudged, wasn’t it?” He then mumbled something that couldn’t be deciphered about the tastes of 15-year-old boys and the Broadway musical genre, and fell abruptly under the table.
Approximately 5 minutes later, the songwriter excused himself, saying he was overdue for a foot massage, and directed all follow-up questions to his personal chef, Jacques. Jacques immediately left the room, and the briefing was brought to a close.