Townsman andyr and his wife have reported the following series of Rock Crimes. Sensitive viewers are cautioned before proceeding to the video evidence, which was captured by the iPhone of an anonymous audience member. The authorities are currently interviewing witnesses. Please feel free to provide your own testimony in the Comments section for this post. Thank you, andyr family, for your bravery and good citizenship in reporting these crimes.

Watch video evidence of Rock Crimes of flash mob proportions...after the jump!

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Nothing suspicious in their cocktails.

Townsman Andyr raised this question with me last week concerning J. Geils Band, a long-time, hard-working, journeyman, Boston party rock band best known for its Jagger-esque frontman and energetic live shows but always underachieving in the studio that suddenly turned out two albums of polished, radio-friendly hits.

At first I dismissed my friend's suspicions as the result of the dangerous practice of mixing love for rock 'n roll with love for baseball. Over the next few days, however, I went searching for possible ties to members of J. Geils Band and performance-enhancing drugs (PEDs).

Although the band was tight with San Francisco promoter Bill Graham and played the Fillmore West numerous times, I did not find any ties to the Bay area's nascent BALCO labs scene. J. Geils himself was always a sturdy looking guy, but judging by estimates of his head size over the years, there were no changes. In fact, with one exception, each member of J. Geils Band seemed to maintain a pretty stable Look and role within the band.

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You were expecting Wham?

This afternoon I found myself back in the dentist's chair. Part of my four-session, four-figure, root canal journey. It's not all that pleasant to have the inside of a tooth filed clean. Even when it has been heavily sedated.

But the whole situation was made worse - much, much worse by the soundtrack. Dentists of course always want nice relaxing background music. Maybe some warbling [cough] r'n'b, or classic hits to hum along to as they drill and fill. Maybe a little Erik Satie. So what was the sound that had me begging for mercy in the dentist's chair? Right now it is July. I am in Australia. The dental music of choice? It was "Last Christmas," by Wham. Yes, during root canal.

The question is, have Town Hall members had similar inappropriate music moments?

(Please note: I spared you a link to any video connected to any of the above.)

Time to strap on a dynamite belt?

In a recent thread Townsman Chickenfrank made the following comment that is worthy of bringing to The Main Stage, as part of our occasional Rock Crimes series. His comment may still qualify as May's Comment of the Month (I'll have to consult with the judges), but until then, this is too important a topic not to bring to the fore.

Chick wrote:

CNN has an article about classic rock bands reuniting and recording new material together. The photo of Journey, Styx, and REO Speedwagon all together seems akin to Hitler, Pol Pot, and Idi Amin miraculously being together simultaneously. If I were to strap on a dynamite belt and eliminate either of those trios, would the country celebrate a 3-day weekend for me?

Stay tuned for new songs by Chicago and Earth Wind and Fire together. I assume Tower of Power was busy that weekend.

Chick's question raises a number of other questions that may be worth discussing here:

• If his dynamite belt could eliminate only two out of three of these heinous bands, which one would (to be clear I ask would not should) survive?
• In the Steven Speilberg film of this historic event, who would play our real-life hero, Chickenfrank?
• Which band is Mussolini and who in the rock industry is Chamberlain?

I'm sure you've got thoughts of your own on these questions as well as others. On this Memorial Day weekend, I think it's only right that you share. Thanks!

I hate to convene the court over the weekend but the Rock Nation turns its lonely eyes to us.

The Hall will now hear arguments after which a sidebar poll will determine the verdict.

Link: http://myweb.tiscali.co.uk/mikejh/CK.htm

Implicated

From The Lodgers

On my arrival I was greeted by four characters. Stephen White, who had just been proclaimed Master Of The Sticks by a pirate station in Cumbria run by a retired colonel. Miss Dee C. Lee who I espied on a clifftop alone with nothing but her sweet voice singing out into the clouds and a large parrott on her shoulder. Paul Weller, who sat naked in front of the sea on a deckchair shouting, "stop I say, hold thyselves, my parts freeze," as the waves rushed past him, and Master Michael Talbot by a bonfire, splendidly clad in a lame blanket and hard at work on one of Stravinsky's unfinished works he had come across in a disused priory.

Remember The Cappuccino Kid, that mysterious liner note writer for releases by The Style Council? Nobody knew who exactly The Cappuccino Kid was, but many speculated!

Not ringing a bell yet? Perhaps the following passage from Our Favourite Shop will jog your memory:

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It's tougher than it seems to make a common, bad song eternally annoying. Try it sometime. It only seems easy because Tom Cruise has managed this feat in countless Hollywood films.

In charging Tom Cruise with Rock Crimes for permanently defiling more downtrodden songs than any actor in history, we're not passing judgment on his films, his beliefs, or his personal life. We won't even poke fun at all the ditches in which his leading ladies have had to stand while sidling up to him.

There's gonna be no dancing

Likewise, we're not going to pass judgment on the songs themselves. At least one of these songs is actually of high caliber. Although Cruise typically preyed on weaker material, he was capable of bringing down classier numbers.

Here's a song that sucks in what's actually a good film. This song is so bad and emblematic of its time that it would be remembered as a stone-cold turd without Cruise's involvement. However, his pool-cue moves denigrate this song beyond all hopes of simply being forgotten among a brothel full of Clapton's '80s skanks.

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Sam wonders whether it's time to bury the hatchet with Dave.

Despite any feelings you might have about the artist in the above video and the quality of his performance, which I'll acknowledge is only mediocre, check out what happens as the YouTube clock hits 1:40 and counting down. You might have a similar reaction as the woman in the following, very short clip:

Paul Shaffer can have that effect on people.

ProTools is soon to launch a "sound dehancer" plug-in called InstaSuck. Using InstaSuck, Late Night With David Letterman band leader Shaffer can be dialed up for any band's performance, and even the most stirring performance will be brought down a few notches. Since moving his Look from lovable wiseacre who was born to play Artie Fufkin to Liberace in sausage casing, Shaffer's campy gesticulations and overbitten keyboard runs have risen to the level of Rock Crimes.

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All the evidence Mr. Moderator could hope to present is in the following clip.